Conversations with my Cat

Well the last few weeks have been very serious haven't they? First God then relationships and heartbreak, I'm starting to become dangerously preachy and we can't have that! So this week I'm hoping to be less serious. This week I shall be posting some transcripts of conversations I have had with my family's cat Paddy

Ladies

He's a 15-16 year old slightly mad rescue cat we got when I was but a wee nerdling and we have grown up together. My mother has always joked that I'm his favorite and we definitely have a deep connection. He tends to follow me around alot and likes to play hide and seek with me (even at his current age of about 80 in cat years). We also like to watch the garden together on rainy days when I'm back at home while he talks to the birds. 

Or when the snow is as deep as he is tall

Basically he's my cat bro and I talk to him a lot. I noticed recently that I've anthropomorphised him so much that I've stopped putting on a cutesy cat talking voice in respect of his old age (which is weird). This has inspired me to transcribe some of our conversations.

Transcript 1, Early Morning

Paddy enters the kitchen while I'm eating a bacon sandwich and proceeds to sit and stare at me from the foot of my chair.

Paddy: Meow

Simon: Morning cat, this is person food not cat food.

P: ... Meow (he sniffs a bit and paws the chair leg)

S: Yes I know you want some but it's mine.

P: Murrr (he jumps up onto the chair next to me and continues to stare)

S: Look you've got food of your own, just go eat that.

P: Meow? (he cocks his head to one side)

S: Your own food? Next to your water? In the bowl? 

P: Murr (he doesn't seem very impressed by this suggestion)

S: Look this is my breakfast you can't just sit there looking all cute and expect to get some.

P Sits down and looks forlornly at the bacon.

S: You're too good at this.

Needless to say he got some bacon.

Transcript 2, Evening

I am playing League of Legends when Paddy comes into my room.

Paddy: Mew

Simon: Hi Pads, I'm kind of busy right now, We're nearly at their Nexus and I'm doing really well as Heimerdinger for once.

P Gives me an evil stare.

S: Don't look at me like that! He is totally a good character! Especially with Zonya's Ring as a first item.

P: Murr (he starts to clean himself as if he's not interested)

S: What, you think I shouldn't rush Blasting Wand as my first item? What do you know? you're just a cat!

P Jumps up onto my lap and stares at the screen.

S: See we're right outside their base and I've set my turrets up to cover the team in case of ganks.

P walks all over the keyboard

S: Oh you stupid cat! That's not how you play LoL!

Transcript 3, Afternoon

Paddy is sat at the patio door watching birds. I sit down next to him and stare out the window.

Paddy: (to the birds) Nyan An An An An An.

Simon: you make some weird noises sometimes.

P: Nyan An An An An An.

S: What are you even saying to them? They can't hear you, you know that right?

P: Nyan An An An An An.

S: How is this helping you catch them?

P: Nyan An An An An An.

S: This is probably why you only ever bring mice in, you need to up your game!

I point at him and my sudden movement scares the birds off, P looks at me as if I've shat in his water bowl.

S: Oh sorry did I ruin your hunting?

P walks away and ignores me for the rest of the day.

My cat is stupid but he doesn't realise it and that's why I love him

Stay Crunchy Internet

Nothing Here is Ever What it Seems

Hello, my name is Simon Payne and I enjoy reading books, gaming and artistic pursuits (who am I kidding, I like Warhammer and similar nerdy things). I like to make bold statements, can be unnecessarily confrontational and enjoy intellectual arguments so much it borders on social self destruction. I also enjoy the company of cats.

As you may have also noticed I rarely use 5 letters when 55 will suffice and am sometimes what scientists refer to as "a pretentious little faggot". I try to stay in control of this side of my personality and it only tends to come out at dinner parties after I've had too much to drink but as I've already named this blog after a Fish album from 1990 and am quite possibly already drunk you're just going to have to roll with it for now.

I started this blog in an attempt to get over an ex girlfriend who cheated on me (with one of my best friends... I'm not bitter) because I know there's nothing the Internet loves more than voyeuristicaly - it is a word shut up -  watching people have nervous breakdowns and misery. I was also hoping to share some of the things I've learnt during my gradual, slimy evolution from teenage nerd to man-child without a cause. I can't promise quality... or quantity... or any kind of regular update schedule but I promise if you read my blog God will reward you with many lolcats in heaven.

If you don't like cats I'm afraid we may not get along

So there you have it, I'm basically the same as all the other slightly jaded internet guys out there. There is one major difference however, most of them have never had an armed police squad after them due to a case of mistaken identity. Is that true? Does it have an entertaining and satisfying story attached to it? Will you get to read it if you visit my blog again? POSSIBLY!

Stay Crunchy Internet