|If you don't get it, I'm officially better than you|
Surprisingly enough it wasn't always this way, in fact up until a few months ago I was in a relationship with a girl (a real one) and had been for four years. We had moved in together last year. Everything was going well and I was planning to marry her. Then I found out that she had been cheating on me with one of my best friends from university. I found out while she was at his (he was a mutual friend who I though I could trust) by stumbling across pictures and videos she had made for him as a valentines day present on her laptop.
|This is a dramatisation, I am not actually a cat. Also I was crying more.|
Now this isn't another livejournalesque first world problems rant about how women are bitches and how she never deserved me or that she was holding me back. Actually I wanted to share some personal revelations I've had recently as a single person about straight relationships and dating as a twenty-something. Obviously anything I have to say is indicative of the position I'm in at the moment and I'm still re-building the lego house that is my psyche (as opposed to stepping all over the pieces and hurting my feet) but our wounds define us so I hope I still have some interesting things to say in spite - or maybe because of - this.
The Mirrored Wilderness Forces us to Build CastlesLove is pain I hear you say, love is a cruel and bitter way to pay you back for all the faith that you've ever had in your brain. This is a perspective many of us have adopted as single young adults and it's as dangerous as it is sadly often correct. Most of us have been burned before so we erect emotional fortresses in our minds and protect out feelings behind self defence mechanisms and portcullis' of passive aggression. It's a common tragedy to meet someone who you feel you could have a real connection with if they would just let down the drawbridge once in a while.
|No I don't mean like that, dirty Internet!|
There is no Such Thing as a "Soul Mate" and you Would Hate them if There Was
The concept of a Soul Mate is one that has bugged me ever since I've been having lasting meaningful relationships for one simple reason. It's a form of dehumanisation on par with sexual abuse. Now I understand that's a bold statement and it would be remiss of me not to explain myself. We can dehumanise our mates in two ways; by can dismissing their feelings or idolising them (an interesting thing to note is that pornography does these two things simultaneously).
No one is that perfect for anyone else and everyone has their fair share of issues. Take me for example; I'm sensitive, empathetic, articulate and creative but I am also prone to bouts of extreme self doubt, misanthropy, social anxiety and blunt stubbornness. I will never be perfect for anyone all the time and I don't want to be.
|Seriously, fuck this guy. He probably has a sex dungeon. And Syphilis|
Constantly seeking a Soul Mate leads to the same form of emotional wanderlust that destroyed my last relationship and hypothetically if you met yours your wouldn't like them. We need the little imperfections in our relationships because otherwise there would be nothing to overcome or use to define the good times against. Acceptance is one of the most important things we can give another human being and it's selfish to constantly seek unrealistic perfection. Speaking of which...
Guys: we Need to Learn that the best Solution is Often not Trying to Fix Things
As men we like to fix things. As a boy I would take things apart just so I could fix them again. Sometimes we can fix things for our girlfriends for example:
- There is a spider in the bath.
- I can't put up these shelves.
- No one has checked out my ass as I've left a room recently.
|It's ok, just don't listen to her sobbing. Be strong. Be str- oh man I've seriously F-ed this up|
My dad has always told me to make sure that a battle is worth winning before you try and we as men need to be an anchor for our partners. Anchor's don't do anything apart from sit there and weather the storm but without them ships would get smashed to bits on rocks.
Women: You Need to Learn That not Talking to us About Things will not fix Them
The last point I made may have seemed slightly sexist to all the ladies that read this blog (of which there are many I'm sure) and that's because I'm stupid. In-fact many men are. Sometimes we do things and say things that piss you girls off. We would probably apologise if we knew but often we don't notice.
It seems the general modus operandi for many girls I know is to not tell their significant other about these instances and instead tell me about it (I guess I have one of those friendzonable faces) and that's unfortunate; we would love to talk about the crazy shit we do because it helps us grow as men. If we think you're being petty we will tell you but generally your criticisms will help improve us and our lives with you. This has to be tempered with respect and the ability to pick your moments but keeping things from us only leads to damage in the long term.
So these are the things I have been thinking recently. Are they revelatory? Probably not. Are they original? Definitely not. I know I'm probably treading old ground for some of those older and wiser out there but I hope someone somewhere finds this useful.
Hey at least I'm not still banging on about God and that.
Stay Crunchy Internet